Tonight was not a good time for me. A good friend of ours just gave birth and Caleb and I were supposed to go drop off Noah at his grandparents’ house so that we could go visit her and her new bundle of joy.
I had friends come over, and then Caleb had a couple of his friends come over, and they took off and went to visit our friends in the hospital…without me.
I immediately felt ditched.
So once Caleb came home and my friends left (YES, I had friends over, but I could have asked them to leave if I had been invited to come to the hospital…) I broke down since I felt so left out. Caleb had literally RAN out the door, and then opened the door again, threw a (seemingly) half-hearted “looove you” back in the room, and peaced. It felt like he was so glad to be able to leave, whereas I (as per usual) was left at home with the baby.
He said that he didn’t think that it was a huge deal, but then he mentioned that our friends are getting discharged tomorrow, so I felt disappointed, since I really wanted to visit them in the hospital…..I’ve never really had any mommy friends that I can visit in the hospital!
We talked it out though, so that was alright. But then as I was feeding Noah I got all sad/disappointed again thinking about how I’ve fallen off the boat for the last couple of days in my pumping adventures, and how I feel like such a failure because I am STILL not producing very much milk.
Those of you who a) aren’t mommies or b) are mommies, but didn’t want to breastfeed, may not understand the sense of failure you get when you so wanted to breastfeed but are unable to. I’m trying not to give up on it, but it’s so hard not to feel like a failure when really, the 2 things that a woman is SUPPOSED to do is a) give birth to a healthy child and b) produce milk for that child. I’ve so far failed on both counts.
(However, I should add that I am glad that I CAN carry and give birth to a child, before anyone paints me ungrateful. I know that there are women out there that can’t have children.)
I also have a ton of emails that I have to answer from people wanting to donate breast milk. It’s amazing the response that I have been getting, but at the same time it’s almost overwhelming, since I feel like I need to answer each and every one of them, even if it’s to say, “No thanks, not right now”. I mean, these women took time out of their day to send me an email and offer me their breast milk…they at least deserve an email in response! So that adds a bit of stress, even if it’s just stress that I’m creating for myself.
That is me today, a bit of selfish sadness and feeling sorry for myself, basically.