Sadness…


Tonight was not a good time for me. A good friend of ours just gave birth and Caleb and I were supposed to go drop off Noah at his grandparents’ house so that we could go visit her and her new bundle of joy.

I had friends come over, and then Caleb had a couple of his friends come over, and they took off and went to visit our friends in the hospital…without me.

I immediately felt ditched.

So once Caleb came home and my friends left (YES, I had friends over, but I could have asked them to leave if I had been invited to come to the hospital…) I broke down since I felt so left out. Caleb had literally RAN out the door, and then opened the door again, threw a (seemingly) half-hearted “looove you” back in the room, and peaced. It felt like he was so glad to be able to leave, whereas I (as per usual) was left at home with the baby.

He said that he didn’t think that it was a huge deal, but then he mentioned that our friends are getting discharged tomorrow, so I felt disappointed, since I really wanted to visit them in the hospital…..I’ve never really had any mommy friends that I can visit in the hospital!

We talked it out though, so that was alright. But then as I was feeding Noah I got all sad/disappointed again thinking about how I’ve fallen off the boat for the last couple of days in my pumping adventures, and how I feel like such a failure because I am STILL not producing very much milk.

Those of you who a) aren’t mommies or b) are mommies, but didn’t want to breastfeed, may not understand the sense of failure you get when you so wanted to breastfeed but are unable to. I’m trying not to give up on it, but it’s so hard not to feel like a failure when really, the 2 things that a woman is SUPPOSED to do is a) give birth to a healthy child and b) produce milk for that child. I’ve so far failed on both counts.

(However, I should add that I am glad that I CAN carry and give birth to a child, before anyone paints me ungrateful. I know that there are women out there that can’t have children.)

I also have a ton of emails that I have to answer from people wanting to donate breast milk. It’s amazing the response that I have been getting, but at the same time it’s almost overwhelming, since I feel like I need to answer each and every one of them, even if it’s to say, “No thanks, not right now”. I mean, these women took time out of their day to send me an email and offer me their breast milk…they at least deserve an email in response! So that adds a bit of stress, even if it’s just stress that I’m creating for myself.

Sigh.

That is me today, a bit of selfish sadness and feeling sorry for myself, basically.

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6 thoughts on “Sadness…

  1. Hey, I failed on both the healthy baby and the making milk, too. I didn’t even give my babe a third trimester, and at least you’re making SOME milk. I never saw a drop. 🙂

    In ten years Noah won’t care if you were able to breastfeed, and likely, neither will you. Keep trying, but don’t feel like you failed if you decide to give up.

  2. I got the healthy baby – and I count my blessings daily – but I got a baby who didn’t catch onto the breastfeeding thing. Though I produced milk, I felt like a failure for not being able to actually feed my baby the way I was supposed to, my fault of not.

    I understand the failure feeling, I had a really hard time with it, but whatever you decide will be just fine. Try not to stress, Noah loves you!

  3. I have just a small idea of what you are going through as I have failed in both those ways also. Just know that as long as you do your best that is all that matters. Remember that a happy mommy is important too. I still feel like a failure (once in a while) weeks later but I remember that my baby is growing stronger everyday and I know that in order to do that he needs his mommy. I’m sure your baby is the same. Also don’t forget that you are allowed to feel all these emotions – you’ve been to hell and back in just a short time. Keep up the great work and keep those pictures coming. Your son is a sweetheart!

  4. Beautiful baby!

    Like the other mamas here, I was determined to breast feed my little one, but couldn’t because of dehydration from a c-section and then being forbidden to breast feed for 6 weeks because of medication for preeclampsia (I tried to pump and dump while on the meds, but there just wasn’t enough time in the day). I was devastated and felt like I had failed as a mom before my son was even a week old. Like Karen said, in time you won’t care and Noah will be just as happy and healthy as any breast fed babe.

    You’ve been through so much in such a short amount of time. As if that wasn’t enough your body is working against you a little bit with postpartum hormones, so let yourself be a little sad and a little selfish. Just remember: your baby is going to grow so fast, you’ll miss these times when he is even just a few months older, try and enjoy your mummy-baby time as much as you can! 🙂

    You’re doing great!

  5. Okay, you are NOT a failure! Your birth experience was completely beyond your control, and because of that, you were forced into having to pump, and eventually you had to make a decision that no person should ever have to make which caused you to quit pumping. You are trying to get your milk supply up because you realize the importance of breastmilk, and because you have been having difficulties doing so, you did a wonderful thing by reaching out and asking other moms for theirs!! Most people would have just given up right then and there, and bought a case of formula. It is going to take a LOT of effort to bring your milk up to par, and you are aware of that, but if you are absolutely miserable trying, is it worth it? Nobody expects this from you, and you should NOT feel like you have failed if you can’t do it!! You still have your donations, and you have already given him the greatest start possible. You need to take care of YOU, in order to take care of HIM. He is going to thrive no matter what feeding method you choose! 🙂

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