I’m feeling angry right now. I came across this blog today, Breastfeeding Arts, which is great, don’t get me wrong. What makes me angry is again the feeling that I was cheated out of any chance of a good breastfeeding relationship.
She talks about allowing the baby to “crawl” to your chest right after birth, about the importance of having the baby skin-to-skin almost constantly the first few weeks. It just makes me so sad that I didn’t have that opportunity.
Our breastfeeding is going, at best, alright. I lost my nipple shield in Edmonton (still not sure how I managed to do that..), so we’ve had just naked boob. He’s been pretty good about latching consistently, and well (in my untrained opinion), but it’s still not nearly enough. The kid is packing away at least 5 oz of formula a feeding, and that’s even AFTER emptying both boobs. I still have Domperidone, and I can definitely see a marked depletion if I forget to take them, which worries me. Did I just completely miss the mark on breastfeeding, and now I’m SOL? Will I EVER be able to exclusively breastfeed? I’m not even sure how much more I can do. I take my meds, pump after every feeding, give Noah the boob before his bottle at every feeding…..is there even a chance that I would be able to sustain my supply without meds?
It’s all just so frustrating!
I really wish that I could start over. Rewind back to the week before I gave birth and give permission to the doctor to start my induction a week early…..maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe I would have a completely healthy, exclusively breastfeeding baby. One that I could just have the normal first-time-mother worries about.
I HATE the “what ifs”. They don’t do me any good, and I know that they just make me upset…..but I can’t help it. I drive myself crazy wondering if I should have gone through with the induction a week early, and wondering if things would be any different.
I almost want to give up on breastfeeding, but then “Stubborn-Me” kicks in. I’ve spent time, effort, and money TRYING to make it work, and we’ve come so far! So why would I give up? Every time someone says something to me about how it would be easier to give up, or that I should only breastfeed if the baby is getting what he needs (i.e. if I’m not exclusively breastfeeding, I shouldn’t bother), or weeks ago, when someone told me, “You know you’re never going to breastfeed him, right?”, it’s made me even MORE determined to make that effort for him. Because GUESS WHAT. I AM breastfeeding. I’ve already proven that person wrong.
So although I’m ANGRY, I can also turn that anger into a big ol’ EFF YOU against that person that said I couldn’t do it, and to the circumstances that we were unfortunately put under and now have to deal with.