Adventures in Breastfeeding! (Part 5) – The ANGRY RANT Edition


I’m feeling angry right now. I came across this blog today, Breastfeeding Arts, which is great, don’t get me wrong. What makes me angry is again the feeling that I was cheated out of any chance of a good breastfeeding relationship.

She talks about allowing the baby to “crawl” to your chest right after birth, about the importance of having the baby skin-to-skin almost constantly the first few weeks. It just makes me so sad that I didn’t have that opportunity.

Our breastfeeding is going, at best, alright. I lost my nipple shield in Edmonton (still not sure how I managed to do that..), so we’ve had just naked boob. He’s been pretty good about latching consistently, and well (in my untrained opinion), but it’s still not nearly enough. The kid is packing away at least 5 oz of formula a feeding, and that’s even AFTER emptying both boobs. I still have Domperidone, and I can definitely see a marked depletion if I forget to take them, which worries me. Did I just completely miss the mark on breastfeeding, and now I’m SOL? Will I EVER be able to exclusively breastfeed? I’m not even sure how much more I can do. I take my meds, pump after every feeding, give Noah the boob before his bottle at every feeding…..is there even a chance that I would be able to sustain my supply without meds?

It’s all just so frustrating!

I really wish that I could start over. Rewind back to the week before I gave birth and give permission to the doctor to start my induction a week early…..maybe none of this would have happened. Maybe I would have a completely healthy, exclusively breastfeeding baby. One that I could just have the normal first-time-mother worries about.

I HATE the “what ifs”. They don’t do me any good, and I know that they just make me upset…..but I can’t help it. I drive myself crazy wondering if I should have gone through with the induction a week early, and wondering if things would be any different.

Sigh.

I almost want to give up on breastfeeding, but then “Stubborn-Me” kicks in. I’ve spent time, effort, and money TRYING to make it work, and we’ve come so far! So why would I give up? Every time someone says something to me about how it would be easier to give up, or that I should only breastfeed if the baby is getting what he needs (i.e. if I’m not exclusively breastfeeding, I shouldn’t bother), or weeks ago, when someone told me, “You know you’re never going to breastfeed him, right?”, it’s made me even MORE determined to make that effort for him. Because GUESS WHAT. I AM breastfeeding. I’ve already proven that person wrong.

So although I’m ANGRY, I can also turn that anger into a big ol’ EFF YOU against that person that said I couldn’t do it, and to the circumstances that we were unfortunately put under and now have to deal with.

 

Rawr.

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5 thoughts on “Adventures in Breastfeeding! (Part 5) – The ANGRY RANT Edition

  1. I honestly do not know anyone that has put the effort into breastfeeding that you have. Go with what works for YOU. People will always have remarks whether you feed too long, too short, etc…it is no ones business.

    As far as your “what if”s I suspect there is nothing you or the doctors could have done. Live in the moment today – not in yesterday. You have a handsome breastfeeding boy that thinks you are the cat’s pyjamas! Boob or bottle – you are his Mama – taking care of him.

    Give him a squeeze from me!

  2. Don’t blame yourself, Olivia! I didn’t get skin to skin with either of my boys, they were rushed off to the nursery – G with forceps trauma and D because he was such a tiny 4lbs 4oz. And I didn’t even have D around me for the first 8 days he spent in the nursery. When I finally did get him home he was too tiny to latch properly and I am still suffering from the bad habits he started back then. While skin to skin at birth can help boost your initial supply and bring the milk in, it is NOT a necessity and you can still work towards EBF having missed it!

    And, even if you never get to EBF, every little drop of breastmilk you provide for your little guy is liquid gold that will help boost is immune system and development for years to come. You are amazingly committed towards doing what’s best for him, and I admire you so much for it!

  3. You are doing such a wonderful job, Olivia!
    The thing you MUST remember, is that if you want to accomplish your goal of EB, you absolutely can NOT slack on the pumping and domeperidone usage anymore!! I know it is mighty tempting, and often very hard to pump in certain situations, but if this is something you feel you want to do exclusively, you have to keep it up, even if it means a week worth of sleepless nights. A single missed pump session or pill can be incredibly detrimental. (This, coming from a woman who had supply issues for 8 months.)
    I know you are working your, BOOBS off for this goal, and it sucks when your efforts seem like they are not enough. But the harsh reality is, is that sometimes, often times, and in many different situations, the just aren’t. And you can not beat yourself up over it.
    Don’t lose hope, Olivia, and just remember that even just a single ounce of breastmilk a day is better than none! And Noah looks pretty darn happy with that booby in his mouth! 🙂 ❤

  4. I didn’t get to hold Ny ’til she was five days old. I never made a drop of milk, and I have no choice but to be OK with it. The ends you are going to to give him the best chance is amazing. You are amazing. And don’t you forget it.

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