Tonight I decided that I am done. I am just so sick and tired of being unhappy and feeling like shit about myself.

– I am tired of being made to feel guilty for wanting to go out to the bar with my friends. I’m sure when we are older we will have wine tastings and game nights and whatever else old people do when they want to get away from the kidlets (don’t get me wrong though, I looove me some wine and game nights). But right now, my friends are all in the “bar” stage. We are all under 21 and still semi-amused by the entertainment that comes from getting drunk and dancing in a super crowded bar. I may be a mom, but I’m also 20 years old. It’s weird how much those two parts of me clash.

– I’ve been told that I should get more friends (re: my bar-star friends). Yeah, that’s much easier said than done. I go to my “teen mom group” and I’m one of the oldest. Most of the other girls are still living with their parents and are trying to get their high school degrees. The ones that are my age seem to be pretty bummy……smoking weed and cigarettes 24/7, with jackass boyfriends (or no boyfriends at all). Don’t get me wrong, they are nice girls, but I did a lot of maturing when I got pregnant, and I don’t think a lot of them are there yet. Therefore, we have literally nothing in common.

– Then at my regular “mom group”, I’m generally 5 – 15 years + younger than everyone else. They’re typically married. I can get along with older people, but they seem to be very far and in between. Basically I just can’t catch a break, I’m either too young or too old, and there doesn’t seem to be anyone else in my same stage of life. And if they are, they stay home…..or don’t go to mom groups.

– I complain about my weight and appearance all the time, but I have yet to fit working out into my schedule. That makes me feel like crap.

– I feel like an absolute failure as a housewife. I made a schedule, which seems to be kind of helping……but I still feel ashamed of myself. I want to be that stereotypical housewife…..the one who’s house is spotless 24/7, the baby is always taken care of, and supper is on the table for when the man comes home. But a bigger question might be if someone like that actually exists outside of TV and movies.

– I feel like I’m wasting all of Noah’s littleness on being sad and unhappy. Which then makes me feel guilty…..and then sad and unhappy.

– And I’m also still so bitter about everything that’s happened with Noah’s birth. I’ve been trying to get over it, but it’s so hard. I think that above all else makes me feel like a failure, even though it wasn’t anything that I did that caused it. And I can’t help but feel like that royally messed up any chance of me breastfeeding. Yes, I’ve given up. I was going to give myself until 5 months, but I just can’t. I fail. It’s just never going to happen. I put so much work into it, and we came so far…..but what started my problems is what ended it: supply. The kid eats 9 oz/feeding. My boobs produce about 2 oz (combined)/feeding. I feel so guilty that on top of everything else that he’s dealing with, I can’t give him the best stuff for him. I feel like every bottle I give him is poison. Which I know is silly. But I can’t help it, I feel that little pang of guilt every single time.


Basically, I feel like I’m on a giant, never-ending cycle of angry – sad – guilty. I’m so tired of it. I want to be happy again. 😦


11 thoughts on “Done.

  1. I just want to say HUGS!!! I don’t exactly know what your going through because I am on the course to mommyhood but I sincerely believe everything will get better! Sometimes, a girl needs to get away! People need to understand this because the ones who usually say this…aren’t in your shoes so they have no right to understand what kind of pressure and anxiety you are under. And remember, you are not even 4 months post-partum. Your body doesn’t want to be back to normal just yet but the time will come when you are on the fast track to your pre-preggo body! I have faith in you 😛 I suck as a housewife too…and I don’t even have a baby. I don’t think there are many people out there that are perfect. I can’t even cook that well 😦 So don’t feel bad. If the baby is happy, that’s all that matters! I also can’t even begin to understand your feelings about Noah’s birth. I am not going to lie, I spent some time crying for you when I found out what happened. No one deserves what you and your family has gone through. I sincerely think you are one of the strongest people I know. I actually remember me saying, before finding out I was pregnant, that I didn’t know how you were being this strong. I would have been a comatose wreck. I am very proud of you for you accomplishments and sticking by them. Especially with the breastfeeding! You gave yourself that chance while many women just choose not to before the baby even arrives. I am not to judge these people but you had a goal that you set out to do and I would say you did a pretty damn good job! Your supply, you couldn’t help. You took the drugs and you pumped, you gave Noah what you could! You very easily could have thrown in the towel after his birth. I am proud of you, Olivia. Don’t let the people who don’t matter get you down. 🙂 Just remember I am here for you if you need to talk.

  2. Olivia, go easy on yourself! I know how hard it is to deal with things that are beyond our control, especially when they are things we think should be WITHIN our control.

    You spent a majority of your ‘legal’ life pregnant, so it only makes sense that you want to go out. I know this first hand. I did the same thing. I was so desperate for socialization and to get back to the ‘old life’ after A was born, that I went out almost every weekend. It was kind of a way to put my feelings aside and forget about them. Also, A was severely colicky, and I just felt the need to get away. I would make my mother stay with the her while she screamed for hours, then mom would call me to come home. I would hold my screaming baby, both of us in tears, and blame my mom for not being able to calm her. It was chaos, to say the least, but at the time, it seemed like it was something I needed to do. I will admit NOW, I regret some of my going out.
    When I became a mom, I went almost into a ‘denial’ like state. I guess I had a hard time accepting that after you have a baby, this ‘magical’ thing happens: You become this weird thing called a ‘Mom’. This thing that loses a majority of her friends. This thing with all this newfound responsibility. This thing who is expected to live up to these ‘expectations’. This thing who doesn’t even know where to, or how to begin to manage it all. And after 2 kids, I am STILL trying to come to terms with it. Finding YOU time is INCREDIBLY important. Don’t feel guilty for going out or wanting to go out. Do know, however, that people ARE going to be hyper critical about it now, since you are a Mom first and foremost, and 20 years old, second. I think a lot of people expect that moms need to stay home and be all housewifey, all the time, which IMO, is BS. As long as your going out is not getting in the way of positive relationships with family and friends, then there is no problem.
    Also incredibly important, is alone time with your partner. I have found that since H was born, C and I have had virtually NO alone time. My mom is not comfortable with the baby, and I have no friends who are willing to take them for a night. Heck, we can’t even do it in our own room anymore, and the novelty of ‘snuggling’ in front of the fireplace has long since worn off. We have literally NO alone time. And it has been DETRIMENTAL to our relationship. I just long for a night away with him. Where we could talk, NOT about the kids.
    I do want to say something though, and you’re not gonna like it: In battling PPD, drinking is the WORST thing you can do. Alcohol is a depressant. As much as we like to deny that fact, it is true. You feel wicked awesome while doing it, but days after it’s happy effects are gone, come the awful, guilty, sad feelings. It acts as a depressant to those who are otherwise NOT depressed, so just think of what it does to someone who already is. I can vouch for that. I am on PPD round 2. I NEED to unwind with a glass of wine or 3 once in a while, and it is sooooo good doing it, but I always find myself in a funk later. It’s a damn nasty vicious cycle. 😦
    As for housewifeyness, I feel the saaaaaaame way. I look at my nice little house, and how destroyed by hurricane A it is, and I feel like a madwoman!! CLUTTER! EVERYWHERE! I want to gouge out my eyeballs with a skewer. Guh. MESS, is one of the things C and I fight about. He works all day, and when he comes home, it basically looks like I stayed home and sat on my ass all day. Which, to be honest, is most likely the truth. Hah. I so badly wish I had the housewife gene that so many of our foremothers had, but I don’t so C, DEAL WITH IT. lol. Remember, you are Noah’s mother, NOT Caleb’s. lol

    As for breast feeding, you tried, Olivia. You gave it a good go. Noah had some of your milk and some from donors and you gave him the best possible start to life that you could. Also, it is incredibly hard to rebuild a milk supply and social life at the same time. I went through it too, maybe not to the same extent, but still. Who brings a breast pump to the bar?! Not you, and CERTAINLY not me!! lmao Noah is thriving, happy, and doing so well on the bottle, and so are you! lmao (Sorry, couldn’t resist!) So don’t be so upset about that. It is okay to think of YOURSELF for once!!! And think, NO MORE FUGLY NURSING BRAS!!! Plus, I’m sure Caleb is happy to have them back to himself again and not have to worry about being squirted in the eye, LOL. Too far? Sorry.
    I love you Olivia. You are an AMAZING woman! You did not fail at anything, other than the ability to see how incredible you are. You may be 6 years younger than me, but you have more strength and maturity than some 30 year olds I know. Be strong, you have a wonderful journey aheadaya! ❤

    • “…(don’t get me wrong though, I looove me some wine and game nights)…”

      Haha, I love games nights! I was mostly referring to the majority of my friends, who don’t do games nights, the ones I go to the bar with. 😛

  3. I have something in my pocket with Olivia’s name on it. It’s a hug.

    We’re walking different roads but it’s really a matter of “same shit, different pile.” I snapped on four separate nurses today because I’m just so effing done. Let yourself be angry and sad and pissed off. Let yourself tell the world to fuck off if you feel like going out and forgetting about the life you life every single day. But then come home to that awesome little man of yours (Noah, not Caleb) and see how awesome you make his life just by being you.

    I will second what your friend Robin said about the drinking, though. I’m not telling you not to, that’s not my place. Just keep in mind that it does perpetuate a cycle that you’re looking to escape.

    Know that I love you tons and the girl crush is totally reciprocated. I’m glad we’re friends who have never met.

  4. Olivia, you constantly amaze me and I don’t care if your house is spotless, if you are a size two or if you want to drink your face off at the bar (something i consider a very legitimate past time) You are so funny and smart and from what i have seen have very nice hair and mos of the other things I promise will eventually fall into place.

  5. In short, Olivia, you are awesome! I tell all my friends about these amazing women in my birth club and you are one who I continuously ‘brag’ about! You DID grow up a lot while you were pregnant, and you continuously amaze me with all you have done and are continuing to do with Noah. My biggest drinking years were 20-22, so you’re smack in the middle of all the fun. Just be careful to keep an eye out on your emotions – as Robin & Mrs. B mentioned alcohol is a depressant. I remember being depressed most of my early 20s – thought I couldn’t get over my x but maybe all that drinking had a hand in it too :).

    Love you!

  6. Awe thanks guys ❤

    That was a bad night……coincidentally, I went out the night before? Caleb has made the depression – alcohol correlation before for me, too. Hmm.

  7. Hugs Olivia.
    I did the majority of my drinking from 18-20, care of my sister’s ID I wasn’t too concerned with legal drinking ages and all that. And yeah, it wasn’t a great time in my life and while I was having “fun” I remember not liking myself a whole lot.
    Anyway, we’re in this new mom thing together and I’ve got 10 years on you, but even now I wouldn’t be able to handle all the things you’re handling with half your grace.
    A lot of my friends already have kids, so I get the unsolicited advice from them – so kind of the flip side of what you have. I was new to this city when I got pregnant so I go to a lot of mom and baby things too and often feel a little miffed when there’s no one there I’d want to hang out with (remember the crazy “titty” lady I told you guys about?). I have good days and bad days, the best ones are when I get out of my head and out into the fresh air. Breastfeeding is only one way to feed your child. I’m a shit housekeeper; I tell my husband I try to do one thing around the house every day (ie. clean the bathroom, do the laundry, vacuum all the floors) but even that tiny goal often doesn’t get met.

    And I’d love to have a game night with wine, but it sounds like that would keep me up pretty late….how’s that for lame?!?

  8. I have to second this line:
    In short, Olivia, you are awesome! I tell all my friends about these amazing women in my birth club and you are one who I continuously ‘brag’ about!

    I am amazed by you. You have been given so much more then the rest of us to sort out and you are just 20!

    1. No one has a house like that – and if they do I question how much “playtime” they are having with their family.

    2. If the bar gang is your friends – that is fine – in moderation of course. But having a baby certainly makes everything we do in moderation. I miss the days of hitting the dance floor…now I am just old!!

    3. Breastfeeding – you did your best. You gave it more effort then ANYONE I know – women almost double your age who say they “tried”… you showed so much love and determination. I often wondered how you managed to have such commitment to breastfeeding. Ypu could write a book on your efforts – believe me MANY women would never have done so much.

    4. Poison… it is not. Formula is fine – perfectly fine. We have clean water available to us, we have soap to wash bottles. It is poison when pushed upon women in developing countries that do not have these things.

    5. Body image… I am no pro here. But accepting yourself is not easy at any age. It has not even been 4 months!! It is only Hollywood people (and Tash) that have abs this soon!!!

    6. Hugs! You do amaze me…

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