Today was a weird day.


This morning when I stepped onto the scale, it read 207.6.

I very recently finally broke my 210lb plateau and was just starting to wrap my mind around 208.8…..I haven’t been below 210 since the first 6 months of my pregnancy 5 years ago. I didn’t even trust that the scale was telling me the truth until the third day of 208.

So this morning my mind was blown a little more. I had really buckled down over the last two weeks to eat within my calories (1750), and so far I’ve been doing pretty good. Clearly the scale agrees.

And  check this out!

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GAINZ

 


 

This afternoon Caleb wasn’t working, so while we were out running errands we decided to stop for lunch. I ordered a burger and it came with coleslaw and a side (I chose seasonal veggies). We also ordered 10 wings to share.

I took one bite of my burger to see how it was, and I decided to take the top bun off, and cut the rest of it up and eat it with a fork. I also decided to only have 2 of the wings and I actually spent a long time deciding if I wanted to eat the second one or not. I decided to eat it, haha. So once I was done that, I had a bit of the coleslaw left over that I left on my plate, along with the top of the bun.

Now, the only reason that this is something notable, is to try to convey how out of character this is for me.

I am a chronic emotional and general overeater. I would characterize myself as a food addict and I don’t think it’s being dramatic to say that. I was raised not to leave anything on my plate, and that has been a large learning curve in terms of what a proper portion size looks like. I think that a lot of people who struggle with their weight as adults had shitty food influences growing up, whether that was because of a lack of food or too much food. For me it was that I had no idea what a proper portion looked like, I just knew to fill my plate and eat the whole thing. Hell, if it was something delicious, have another plate! At some point around the time I was 8 or so, it became a contest with my sister to see who could eat as much as our dad. My dad has always had a very active job, and at that point was still playing baseball in the summer and hockey in the winter, plus he has a wicked metabolism that basically immediately burned whatever he put into his mouth. He always reminded me of Jughead in that regard.

That is a LOT of food for a little girl, and that “contest” lasted until I was around 12, and I think at that point I started becoming much more aware of my body size in comparison to the other girls’. I was never really “fat” as a child, just big. I was taller than everyone in my class until 3rd grade and the tallest girl until at least 7th. I had big feet and wide shoulders, and my weight distributed in such a way that I was solid but I didn’t have a double chin or anything too crazy. I remember starting to notice my best friend’s food intake as compared to mine, I would have 3 pieces of pizza no problem, she would have 1. I could eat an entire bag of popcorn, she’d have a bowl or half the bag and be good to go. She was 5’0″ fully grown, so she was always significantly shorter than me growing up and much slimmer (especially as adults).

If there were any leftovers, my dad usually got the biggest portion, then my mom, and then my sister and I would share the rest. This resulted in me becoming very territorial about food, which really is weird considering that I have never had to go without food. I still eat ungodly fast as an unnecessary defense mechanism. I still flip out probably more than is usual if Caleb eats food that I have set aside for myself, and I hide food sometimes because I don’t want him to eat it.

I have had a lot of trouble with binge eating as an adult. I really didn’t have a problem until after Noah was born. I barely slept and I was severely depressed (especially after about a year), I ate my feelings and packed on the weight, but eventually after therapy and medication I’ve gotten a lot better. I’ve outlined in previous posts about my struggles with obsessive and disordered eating, so I won’t get too repetitive there).

I still struggle with binge eating from time to time, which is why it’s so incredibly bizarre that I sat there  and REALLY thought about that second wing. Hell, 3 months ago I could have powered through all 10 on my own, after finishing my entire plate. I thought about how full I was, if I actually WANTED it. At the start of my meal, while I was eating the coleslaw, I didn’t finish it, because in my head I thought about how I wanted to make sure I wouldn’t be too full after eating the burger. Like wtf is this conscious eating shit, right? So at the end of the meal, when my top bun and some coleslaw was still on my plate, I thought, do you know what? I don’t actually want to finish this. And I DIDN’T FEEL GUILTY about spending money on a meal and not finishing it or not taking leftovers. I just was done eating when my body told me that I was done.

I’m actually tearing up a little typing this, because it feels like I really turned a corner today and it was the first time I ever felt like a normal person eating a meal.


 

Every day I eat some sort of dessert after Noah goes to bed. Sometimes it’s a protein bar, sometimes it’s ice cream, whatever.

Yesterday, being Easter, meant that I had a chocolate bunny in my possession. Last night I had chopped it up into separate portions and put each portion into a ziploc bag. I had already put in a portion of bunny for my dessert today (I made homemade apple crisp for dessert last night, YUM).

But when I got home tonight, I couldn’t decide whether I wanted chocolate bunny or ice cream….so I thought….why not both? I served up a  half portion of each (1/4c ice cream, 20g bunny), and thoroughly enjoyed it! The best part was…..I DIDN’T WANT MORE. AND! By having half of each, it was actually less calories than a whole portion of bunny, so I ended up only going about 4 cal over today, rather than 20! What!


Today was a really weird day. It really felt like I have been making some great strides in attaining my weight loss goals and my mental state definitely is a huge factor in that. I wouldn’t say that I’m totally cured or anything….but things definitely look very promising!


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