The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

There have been innumerable ups and downs for me over the past year and a half that I’ve been doing this whole lifestyle change for. My weight has gone down and up and plateaued, and down again, I gained back some of the inches that I lost during Biggest Loser and am only now getting close to where I was at the end of the competition.

My mental health has always been a bit of an issue, some days more than others. Hormones play a huge part in my mood and how I feel.

I’ve been very lazy lately, I haven’t gone to the gym and lifted in at least a month 😦 and not going to the gym makes me depressed. I haven’t even been doing training runs or going for walks with Noah like I fully intended to. Summer is really hard for me, I don’t get that daily break from Noah to do my own thing, and it makes me want to hermit. The only time I have to go to the gym solo is after Noah goes to bed, and that’s also when I need to squeeze in any adult socialization….and socialization has definitely taken the front seat for the past few weeks!

I’ve been trying to go to the playground more often to practice my monkey bar skills. I can now actually swing instead of just falling down the bars, but my body moves a little too much from side to side for it to be totally comfortable. I am noticing a huge improvement in my upper body strength. Today I went for a run for the first time in 2 months and ran my fastest 5K time to date, even with having a stomach ache and feeling like I needed to throw up for 90% of it. I did 3.34 miles in 37:49, average pace 11:19/mile, which is a big deal for me.

That’s all of the good and the bad, but the ugly….

I set out to run 25 races by the time I turn 25, inspired by someone on a lady fitness group I’m in who did 50 races by her 50th birthday, and a local friend who ran 50K on her 50th birthday.

But in the attempt to complete my goal, I’ve hit a lot of motivational snags. A lot of really disparaging moments during races that really make me not want to race anymore this year. Which is really sad, I enjoy racing, but god sometimes I just get so frustrated with myself for being so ungodly slow.

A friend told me the other day something along the lines of, “you inspire me. You get out there and finish the race, even when you’re last….most people would just give up, but you finish”. I realize that he was being encouraging and I appreciate the sentiment, but at the same time I wonder if I am just being unrealistic with my aspirations. Do I even belong in the racing community? I know that someone always has to be last, but am I just being foolish by continuing to do all of these long distance runs when I’m probably not actually ready for them? Should I be sticking to 5 and 10Ks instead of pulling in dead last at 21s?

In the last month I’ve had two really negative racing experiences.

The first was at Tuffest 10 at the Nitehawk ski hill just outside of Grande Prairie. I ended up stepping wrong in a soft spot on the trail and twisting my bad ankle. It took me 2:41 to do 10k (the terrain was ridiculously treacherous), so I called it at that point instead of completing my intended 21K (I may have been DNF’d anyway, the course was only open for 4 hours). I was so disappointed in my performance. I’m still disappointed. I did so well at Mountain Madness (another 21K trail race that I had done a month before, in comparison I finished it in 3:16) that I was really expecting a similar showing at that race, and it did not happen. The food after the race was excellent (spaghetti and meat sauce! ceasar salad! garlic bread!) but to be honest I could barely choke it down because I didn’t feel like I earned it.

The second was Beat the Bear #2, a duathlon. The first one, in June, I had finished second last and it kind of broke me. Completing a triathlon is on my list of ultimate fitness goals, but I realized after that race that I am HORRIBLE at the bike (it didn’t help that the route was all forest trail). It took me an hour to finish 8K of biking (I actually think it was closer to 10K, but that’s unconfirmed) :/ So going into #2 (I had paid for the 3 race series, otherwise I definitely wouldn’t have done another one after #1!) I was DREADING it. I knew I would be last because the person who got last for the previous one was out of town.

It’s only 3K running + 8K biking + 3K running, but dear lord even with a Red Bull 30mins before the race started (my new pre-race ritual since Mountain Madness), I had zero gas in my tank and the first 3K took me 26:53 (felt longer). The biking took me 55:29 and the last 3K took me 30:27. Overall I took almost a full 10 minutes longer with #2 than I did #1, although I enjoyed the route itself more.

In any case, I came out of it feeling very grumpy and discouraged, and now I don’t have any races until the third installment of Beat the Bear, followed by the Glow Run 5K the next night, which I am actually looking forward to.

Next year….I don’t really know what my racing schedule will look like. I don’t know if I will be doing Spartans again once I get my trifecta this year. I would like to do a marathon, but I don’t know how my schedule will be in regards to getting the mileage in to train for that. Noah is starting full time kindergarten in the fall, I’m hoping to get a job starting in October….who knows what that will mean for my free time? I may even decide to not work and just enjoy the time I have until Noah’s in all day school next fall (at which point I will definitely be working)? This year is going to be such a huge transition, I have no idea what’s going to happen or how I’ll feel after my 25 races are completed.

beat the bear #1 results

Beat the Bear #1 results….

beat the bear #2 results

….as compared to #2.

Ugly DNF next to my name for the 21K :(

Ugly DNF next to my name for the Tuffest 10 21K 😦

PS to finish this super negative post with something positive, I FINALLY BROKE 200LBS THIS WEEK!! FUCK YEAH, ONEDERLAND!

weight loss milestone

July 17, 2015

😀 😀 😀