The last couple of weeks have been full of change and weirdness.

Caleb and I are separated.

I moved back to my parents’ house.

Noah is living with Caleb.

I got a job. It’s going alright, there’s quite the learning curve, especially considering that I have not had a real job in almost 5 years.

I am still in town every day taking care of Noah, which is sort of awkward. It’s like I am still living at the house and eating the food like normal (I don’t have to buy my own food yet), but none of my stuff is there and I don’t sleep there at night. The drive to my parents’ house is also an adjustment, it’s pretty brutal having to drive out of town in the middle of the night when you’re exhausted.

I wish we could have a cleaner break, but Noah makes that impossible, unfortunately.

I had to step down as web coordinator for the Run/Walk Club….with everything going on I’ve been severely neglecting it and I needed to walk away for the time being.

I’m also dating, which has been mostly successful. Even though I don’t have a lot of actual dating experience, I feel like I know more now what I’m actually looking for. But I am primarily just having fun and meeting new people.

I am mostly happy. The living situation is a huge adjustment, but I think it will work out…or maybe I will just get used to it. It’s a strange juxtaposition, feeling like a stranger in my own house, and also feeling like I never left. Seeing “our” bed no longer being “our” bed is hard. Trying to adjust my vocabulary to reflect the house being “Caleb’s house” or “the house” vs “my home” is almost heartbreaking, and it’s worse when Caleb either says it wrong or says it right, really. Him saying “…when you’re at my house tomorrow” last week made me cry (he didn’t say it to intentionally make me upset). Then it’s a whole other emotion when he refers to it as ours still….I can’t even describe it. It’s mostly melancholy, I guess.

I’m not sad about the separation, I’m sad about losing my home and also not seeing Noah go to sleep at night. I was comfortable. I had my house, and sat on my couch with my TV with my Netflix that I watched almost every night. Now nothing besides my personal belongings are mine. I am essentially a drifter, having to take a huge suitcase and/or an overnight bag and my “hobo pillow” (as I call it) to town every day, depending on what I am doing that day.

Change is hard.

The next few months will be really interesting, I think. I am hoping to move back into town for November 1st (moving in with my sister if it all goes to plan), in the meantime I need to sort out my work hours and try to figure out how to get as close as full time hours as possible so that I can even afford to live. I also am not really sure how to navigate us towards actually getting a divorce. The process seems very complicated. But I’m sure we will figure it out eventually.

Onward and upward.

10847928_10156020083875434_2708233565610939978_nPS: I am writing this in a Starbucks right now and the super depressing mellow music is not helping my mood very much.

PPS: SPARTAN NEXT WEEKEND (yes I am still going)!!!!!!!!!!!!!


One thought on “Changes

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