Crisis of (Lack of) Faith (And other thoughts)

I find it incredibly ironic that taking Noah off life support and the resulting days following cemented my atheism, and now Noah passing away has made me wish that I had a religion and could believe in an afterlife, etc.

I would love to believe that Noah is “in a better place” (but what better place could there be for a child than in his parents’ arms?)…

I would love to believe that Noah is in “heaven”…

I would love to believe that Noah is completely healed from his brain injury…

I would love to believe that he’s playing with other children or hanging out with relatives who have passed away…

I would love to believe that Noah is now an angel…

I would love to believe that Caleb and I will see Noah again one day…

… But I can’t. And it makes me sad. When I laid on the bed next to him and said goodbye, it was bizarre because he wasn’t actually *there*. I knew that he couldn’t hear me.

He was gone. His body was there, but it wasn’t the same.

I would love to be able to use the concept of heaven as a method of comfort, but I can’t. I know that he is gone and I will never see him again. I know that he is in his urn and that is it. I know that when we die, we are just…gone.

And that’s really depressing. The lack of closure is hard to bear. I have feelings of guilt over ways that I could have been a better mother to him. I was thinking last night about how I used to hold him in my arms and watch TV and he would pass out, and it made me sad because we hadn’t done that in months, ever since I moved out and the condo stopped feeling like my home. His last few months were all about change. Caleb and I separated, I moved out, he moved into a new place. It makes me wonder what he thought about all of it and if it bothered him. It makes me wonder if he was happy about moving and all of the changes….if he was okay with not seeing me as much. He was home with me all day every day all summer and then suddenly he started full time school and we separated shortly before that, so he would only see me for about an hour before school and two hours after. The two hours after were never anything special. We would get home and he would watch TV and I would get ready for work.

It was always hard, not being able to do things with him that other parents can do with their kids. There was never any taking him to the park or letting him play at the indoor playground or the bouncy castles, etc. It makes me wish now that I had made more of an effort to do things with him, but at the same time, it was always exhausting trying to do anything and he would always cry without the tablet (unless we were walking). It’s just hard, is all. I always imagined that I’d be this super involved parent, but parenthood with him was so different than anything I could have ever imagined.

My logical brain tells me that I did the best that I could, but my emotional brain wonders if that was good enough.

Logically I know that there is no crystal ball and we didn’t know that he would pass away just 3 short months after the separation (weirdly enough it was 3 months to the day…), but at the same time I wonder if we had just held it together for a little bit longer, if it would have been better for him.

I keep thinking about that morning and how I missed Caleb’s phone call by an hour and a half, because I was sleeping in after working until 1. If I was still living with Caleb, I would have been right there. I would have been there for Caleb when he found him…..instead I was late as usual and it makes me feel incredibly guilty that my last act as a mother was missing that phone call. I have always felt like a subpar mother, but that was the final nail in my coffin (pardon the phrase).

Ever since Noah was a few months old, I wanted more children. In the last 6 months I wasn’t sure because of the extent of Noah’s care and what he would need in the future. After the separation that intensified, because at the very least it would probably be at least 5 years before I got pregnant again (barring any accidental pregnancies). Now I don’t know. I always knew that another pregnancy would be very emotional and difficult because of Noah’s birth injury, now it will be doubly so because of Noah’s death. I don’t know if I can handle it, and that makes me sad too. I love children. But I don’t know if I could be someone else’s mother when there is no Noah. Obviously I have years ahead of me to decide, but every time I see a baby or a small child, it’s on my mind. I’m also simultaneously terrified of getting pregnant again, it’s a weird juxtaposition.

I used to be married and have a family. Now I’m at square one again. It’s bizarre and it’s heartbreaking for so many different reasons. I always wanted to be married once, have kids, and then eventually have grandchildren, and then I would die. But clearly that’s not what happened, so I don’t know what that means for my future. It’s a weird feeling, having complete freedom (for lack of a better word) again, but having so much more life experience behind it. I literally can do whatever I want. I used to lament about being stuck in Grande Prairie because of Caleb’s job, and then because if I moved then I’d never see Noah. Now I can move if I really wanted to, there’s nothing holding me here….but that’s also terrifying. I’ve never lived anywhere else. Could I move away from my hometown and my entire support system? I don’t know. Maybe I’m a lifer.

I have wanted to go back to college since Noah was born, but I couldn’t because of needing childcare. Now I have the option to go back to school, but I still have no idea what I want to do.

My brain is constantly flooded with all of these questions and it sucks. I’ve been sleeping horribly lately and having weird dreams. Right now it’s almost 3:30 AM and I am blogging instead of sleeping.

Caleb and I have a meeting at 10 to dissolve Noah’s RDSPs and adjust our life insurance policies. They were set up with the intention of me being a stay at home mom, and even after our separation and when we eventually divorced, we were going to keep the other as the beneficiary because the funds were intended to support Noah, but now that Noah is gone and we are no longer together, that has to change. And that kind of sucks. So much has changed in the year since we set them up, it’s actually mindblowing.

Also, I now hate Christmas and that is another thing that makes me sad.

Noah’s birthday is in 9 days.

The end.




One thought on “Crisis of (Lack of) Faith (And other thoughts)

  1. ♡ I don’t personally know you, but have been thinking about your family ever since hearing the horrible news on one of our HIE support groups. Your strength and honesty is amazing and comforting. I may not have known your sweet boy, but after admiring the pictures you’ve shared I can say with certainty he was full of happiness and you did a wonderful job loving him and caring for him. That’s what he needed and that’s what you did. I can feel the love through your pictures. I hope that you come to feel confident that you were the best mother you could have been and that being you was all he needed. ♡

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