Right now it’s 11:24PM. In 36 mins, Noah would have been 5 years old.
I would have been staying up way too late putting the final touches on things for his birthday party tomorrow.
I would have had a kitchen full of cupcakes, fresh from the oven.
I would have had a fridge full of food, ready to go.
I would have had a to-do list a mile long.
I probably would have had my Christmas shopping done by now.
Instead the billowing snow reminded me of when we had to postpone the transport plane to the Stollery by almost 8 hours because of a snowstorm.
Instead I turned the heat on in the back of the van when I started it after work yesterday, and realized that I hadn’t had it on since the last time Noah had been in the vehicle, two days before he died. That heat was always for him, I never had it on when I was alone.
Instead I cried in Hallmark the other day because I accidentally wandered into the new baby aisle and saw “5 years of memories” on a milestone book.
I never got to fill out a milestone book, he only ever reached one….smiling at 7 weeks. There are two uncompleted ones in his box of stuff, not sure what I want to do with them yet.
This year has been easily the best and the worst year of my life. I learned so much about myself and accomplished so much, but then my marriage ended, and just 3 short months later (to the day!), my only child passed away.
On what should have been a day filled with chocolate cupcakes (one of the very few solid foods that Noah could actually eat) and balloons and spending time with my son, instead I will be alone.
My day is full of plans to keep me surrounded by people and hopefully distracted, but at the end of the day I will be going home alone and cuddling my son’s teddy bear to sleep.
This year you (not in any particular order):
I love you, sweet Noah. I miss you every day.
Happy 5th birthday, Mr Baby.