Happy 5th Birthday, Noah

Right now it’s 11:24PM. In 36 mins, Noah would have been 5 years old.

I would have been staying up way too late putting the final touches on things for his birthday party tomorrow.

I would have had a kitchen full of cupcakes, fresh from the oven.

I would have had a fridge full of food, ready to go.

I would have had a to-do list a mile long.

I probably would have had my Christmas shopping done by now.

Instead the billowing snow reminded me of when we had to postpone the transport plane to the Stollery by almost 8 hours because of a snowstorm.

Instead I turned the heat on in the back of the van when I started it after work yesterday, and realized that I hadn’t had it on since the last time Noah had been in the vehicle, two days before he died. That heat was always for him, I never had it on when I was alone.

Instead I cried in Hallmark the other day because I accidentally wandered into the new baby aisle and saw “5 years of memories” on a milestone book.

I never got to fill out a milestone book, he only ever reached one….smiling at 7 weeks. There are two uncompleted ones in his box of stuff, not sure what I want to do with them yet.

This year has been easily the best and the worst year of my life. I learned so much about myself and accomplished so much, but then my marriage ended, and just 3 short months later (to the day!), my only child passed away.

On what should have been a day filled with chocolate cupcakes (one of the very few solid foods that Noah could actually eat) and balloons and spending time with my son, instead I will be alone.

My day is full of plans to keep me surrounded by people and hopefully distracted, but at the end of the day I will be going home alone and cuddling my son’s teddy bear to sleep.


It’s just you and me now, Mr Bear.


This year you (not in any particular order):



…took Mr Bear to school…


…met the Premier of Alberta…


…got to sleep in Mommy and Daddy’s room on your very own floor bed…


…had fun dressing up for St Patricks Day…


…played and watched Video On Trial with Daddy…


…started Kindergarten!


…ran a race with Mommy!


…went to the gym with Mommy…


…hacked the planet with Daddy…


…hung out with friends…


…graduated preschool!


…got big boy jams…


…got a big boy bed!


…were a Spartan!


…were the best cheerleader for Mommy’s races!


…went on lots of walks with Daddy…


…became a Tim Hortons spokesperson…


…turned 4…


…had a great Christmas…


…visited the pediatrician…


…went swimming…


….had lots of fun at school…



20151122_130807 …and passed away.


I love you, sweet Noah. I miss you every day.

Happy 5th birthday, Mr Baby.

Love, Mom



4 thoughts on “Happy 5th Birthday, Noah

  1. This is so beautiful Olivia….when I think of Noah I think of Joshua and vise versa…they were so much alike…..you were a wonderful mom and Caleb was a great father and together you had a beautiful child that was so loved…hang on to your memories honey, they are so precious…hugs and much love xoxo……Aunt Bonnie.

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