Happy 5th Birthday, Noah


Right now it’s 11:24PM. In 36 mins, Noah would have been 5 years old.

I would have been staying up way too late putting the final touches on things for his birthday party tomorrow.

I would have had a kitchen full of cupcakes, fresh from the oven.

I would have had a fridge full of food, ready to go.

I would have had a to-do list a mile long.

I probably would have had my Christmas shopping done by now.

Instead the billowing snow reminded me of when we had to postpone the transport plane to the Stollery by almost 8 hours because of a snowstorm.

Instead I turned the heat on in the back of the van when I started it after work yesterday, and realized that I hadn’t had it on since the last time Noah had been in the vehicle, two days before he died. That heat was always for him, I never had it on when I was alone.

Instead I cried in Hallmark the other day because I accidentally wandered into the new baby aisle and saw “5 years of memories” on a milestone book.

I never got to fill out a milestone book, he only ever reached one….smiling at 7 weeks. There are two uncompleted ones in his box of stuff, not sure what I want to do with them yet.

This year has been easily the best and the worst year of my life. I learned so much about myself and accomplished so much, but then my marriage ended, and just 3 short months later (to the day!), my only child passed away.

On what should have been a day filled with chocolate cupcakes (one of the very few solid foods that Noah could actually eat) and balloons and spending time with my son, instead I will be alone.

My day is full of plans to keep me surrounded by people and hopefully distracted, but at the end of the day I will be going home alone and cuddling my son’s teddy bear to sleep.

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It’s just you and me now, Mr Bear.

 

This year you (not in any particular order):

 

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…took Mr Bear to school…

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…met the Premier of Alberta…

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…got to sleep in Mommy and Daddy’s room on your very own floor bed…

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…had fun dressing up for St Patricks Day…

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…played and watched Video On Trial with Daddy…

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…started Kindergarten!

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…ran a race with Mommy!

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…went to the gym with Mommy…

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…hacked the planet with Daddy…

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…hung out with friends…

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…graduated preschool!

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…got big boy jams…

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…got a big boy bed!

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…were a Spartan!

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…were the best cheerleader for Mommy’s races!

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…went on lots of walks with Daddy…

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…became a Tim Hortons spokesperson…

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…turned 4…

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…had a great Christmas…

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…visited the pediatrician…

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…went swimming…

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….had lots of fun at school…

 

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20151122_130807 …and passed away.

 

I love you, sweet Noah. I miss you every day.

Happy 5th birthday, Mr Baby.

Love, Mom

 

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4 thoughts on “Happy 5th Birthday, Noah

  1. This is so beautiful Olivia….when I think of Noah I think of Joshua and vise versa…they were so much alike…..you were a wonderful mom and Caleb was a great father and together you had a beautiful child that was so loved…hang on to your memories honey, they are so precious…hugs and much love xoxo……Aunt Bonnie.

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