What is Mother’s Day When You’re No Longer A Mother?

Tonight I was going through my email inbox and what do I see?

Mother’s Day-related emails.

Mother’s Day is Sunday May 8th this year.

Noah will have been gone for 6 months on May 22nd.

Six.

Months.

SIX.

Half a year.

How can that be possible?

HOW.

It still feels like yesterday. It still sometimes feels like it’s not actually real.

I can still feel the creases in his hands…his cushy cheeks when I would squeeze them and make him make a fishy face….how long and heavy his body felt when I carried him on my shoulder.

Today I went to a dealership to talk about trading in my van and downsizing to an SUV.

We bought that van specifically for Noah and for the transportation of his wheelchair.

Now there is no Noah. No wheelchair. No we.

I don’t need a van anymore. It’s just me now.

Even driving it gives me the feels sometimes, not seeing that little bear hat in my rearview mirror anymore.

This face is all I have.

I still haven’t put the headrest back on the seat where his carseat was. I don’t know if I can.

Those random Mother’s Day emails felt like a punch to the gut. I forgot that it was just around the corner.

Last Mother’s Day, Noah and I ran a race together using his Upsee.

10392284_10155552833995434_7773319414079575336_nThis year I will be driving back from the Montana Beast, something that I never thought that I’d ever be able to participate in.

I’ll be bringing this sign with me….

20150523_105642….And running the Beast in memory and in honour of my sweet baby boy.

But tomorrow night I will be lighting a candle in memory of Noah and all of the other HIE children whom we lost too soon.

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NoahHiebert

Remember this sweet face.

…..I’m just trying to deal with life, one day at a time.

One impossibly long, sad, day at a time.

 

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