I’m trying.

In case anyone has been wondering, in just 3 weeks, it will be TWO YEARS, and I am not doing okay.

Yesterday was the first snowfall of the season, and I just happened to drive past the funeral home.

Snow always brings me back to Noah’s birth, with November always marking the ominous final countdown (and now it marks two).

There are many days where I really don’t know what to do with myself, when I just want to hole up with a blanket and Luna, and not think about anything. I’ve been feeling that hopeless, claustrophobic feeling a lot lately.

The truth is that I simply don’t know what it’s like to feel normal. I don’t know if I’m actually healing as time goes on, because I don’t know what level of pain and heartbreak is normal. Is it always going to feel like an open wound? Is it actually going to feel worse as his birth club, friends, and classmates reach higher and higher milestones? How weird am I going to feel in just 3 short years, knowing that I should have a 10 year old??

Am I EVER going to get over his mess of a birth and stop being so bitter about everything? Will I ever stop feeling like my heart is being physically ripped in two??

More importantly…..

HOW has it been two years? (seriously, HOW)

WHY does it feel like it happened simultaneously 10 years ago AND ALSO yesterday?

Why does it feel like I am so horribly alone in this experience? (Is there a support group for people under the age of 35, who lost their severely disabled child (over the age of 2), who aren’t with their original partner anymore, and have no other children?? Because I need one)

This post is shit, and I’m sorry. I haven’t published anything since April 2016 and this is the best that I can do right now.

I’m very lost. I don’t know what I’m going to do to commemorate Noah’s death, OR his birthday this year, and it’s coming up very fast. I’m barely holding myself together. I’ve been trying to be a good human, and this year has not been a good one. I have made a lot of bad decisions.

I’m just trying to be better.